Parenting is harder than it used to be

You're not crazy. It is getting harder to be a parent.

First of all, it is a lot more expensive to be a parent than it used to be.

Though our economy remains below the Federal Reserve's theoretical target of 2% inflation, the price of things is changing at different rates. The tech boom of the last 20 years has made some things much less expensive—namely entertainment and electronics—but anything that requires some number of adults to pay attention to some number of children, has gotten much more costly—think tuition and childcare. Plus, the cost of healthcare and in some places housing is also out of control.

So while it is actually cheaper today to sit alone and watch Netflix, it is much more expensive to meet a life partner, acquire a home with a yard that kids like to play in, and pay for treatment should one of them break an arm while climbing a tree.

Said another way, not everything is getting more expensive, just the good life.

But since the good life is—ya know, good—many people are trying to afford it in a way that used to be unconventional, by pooling two or more incomes to fund a single household. But, COVID. Almost 1 million mothers have left the workforce since March 2020. And the loss of that income is driving a spike in child poverty and food insecurity. Almost one in four children experienced food insecurity last year. 

Does hearing that stress you out? Yeah, it does everybody else too. Almost three quarters of parents say that uncertainty about the school year is causing them stress. And moms are reporting symptoms of anxiety and depression—particularly postpartum—much more often than just a year ago.

Parents now face some impossible choices: quit your job to stay home and help kids with online school or what? What's the alternative? And if you swallow that awful pill, how does the mortgage get paid when you only qualified for it with both incomes? And now in the age of COVID, parents face these choices alone. When was the last time you saw your mom friends? 

All of that to say: we see you. You're not crazy. This is harder than it's supposed to be. This is not what you signed up for.

In addition to the good life becoming more expensive, vice is cheaper and easier to come by. Parenting—the way we universally believe it should be done—is harder, but cartoons on the flat screen TV and games on the tablet, that's a lot easier. So children now face challenges that even the previous two digital native generations didn't. The addictive part of their brains are awakened at an earlier age than ever before. No parent that I know wants to let that happen, but these electronics are often the only way we get an respite from the constant demands of parenting. We're trading our own health for our kid's health. At least that's what it feels like at the time.

So parenting has become both more expensive and easier to do poorly. We don't know how to solve that, but we have a few ideas about how to move back in the direction that we all want to go.

Child allowance—Lost in the fuss around the American Rescue Plan is a proposal by Senator Mitt Romney for a child allowance. Under his plan nearly all parents would receive $300 /month per child in an effort to acknowledge the mountain of uncompensated labor that is parenting. For a family of 5 that's $900 /month. It's not a ton of money, but it is something. This money would give families the option to perhaps forgo that second income for a while in favor of more time with their children. It would make an apartment that was out of reach for so long, now accessible to a family who needs it. By some estimates this policy would cut in half the number of children who live in poverty. This is a new idea, but maybe this could prove an effective way to push back against the forces that make televisions cheaper and tuition more expensive.

Therapy—In my opinion, every parent needs therapy. Whether we realize it or not, we all carry the wounds of childhood hurts. And we can either deal with those wounds or pass them down to our children. There are, of course, many ways to understand your experience and to find healing. But I believe that almost everyone can benefit from the guidance of a professional at least once in their life. Maybe the moment you become responsible for the health/safety of another human person is a decent marker to go seek it out.

Find your people—There is a lot of good news on the COVID front lately. For many months the self-less, community-serving thing to do was isolate, to stay away from friends and family in an effort to prevent the spread of this dangerous and mysterious virus. But now—as we know so much more about how to interrupt its spread, and more people are vaccinated everyday (18.45% of Whatcom County residents as of this writing)—it will become our duty to rebuild the bonds that were broken or strained over the last year. Reconnect with your mom friends. Be the one who organizes an outdoor, masked playdate. It will be good for you and every parent in your orbit. Let's relearn how to be together again.

When asked about their experience as foster parents, this is the thing many people refer to with a twinkle in their eye. Many families find a precious sense of camaraderie with other families who have opened their home to a child in need. If foster care sounds like a rewarding endeavour, you'll probably get along great with other families who agree.