Hold Me Tight (A Book Review)
Dr. Sue Johnson is best known for developing Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), an approach to couples counseling that applies attachment science to the spousal relationship. What we know about attachment was developed and has been almost exclusively applied to the parent/child relationship. Her redeployment of the same learning in couples counseling is really quite novel.
Why would this be of concern to Skookum and foster parents? Because the foundation of most healthy foster homes is a healthy marriage, but the stress of foster parenting often highlights underlying vulnerabilities. We believe that part of caring well for kids in foster care is caring well for the people who they call ‘mom’ and ‘dad.’
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love is a “consumer grade” version of her approach, sophisticated enough to be effective yet approachable enough for just about anybody to understand.
The core of her theory is that loving relationships are built on vulnerability and emotional responsiveness. And the absence of those things, regardless of other factors, will create insecurity that decays the foundations of a marriage. In Hold Me Tight she teaches the reader how to identify the signs of emotional unresponsiveness in a relationship and how to redevelop it by using seven conversation prompts. They are:
Recognizing Demon Dialogues—In this first conversation, couples identify negative and destructive remarks in order to get to the root of the problem and figure out what each other is really trying to say.
Finding the Raw Spots—Here, each partner learns to look beyond immediate, impulsive reactions to figure out what raw spots are being hit.
Revisiting a Rocky Moment—This conversation provides a platform for de-escalating conflict and repairing rifts in a relationship and building emotional safety.
Hold Me Tight—The heart of the program: this conversation moves partners into being more accessible, emotionally responsive, and deeply engaged with each other.
Forgiving Injuries—Injuries may be forgiven but they never disappear. Instead, they need to become integrated into couples’ conversations as demonstrations of renewal and connection. Knowing how to find and offer forgiveness empowers couples to strengthen their bond.
Bonding Through Sex and Touch—Here, couples find how emotional connection creates great sex, and good sex creates deeper emotional connection.
Keeping Your Love Alive—This last conversation is built on the understanding that love is a continual process of losing and finding emotional connection; it asks couples to be deliberate and mindful about maintaining connection.
It’s a great read, but if you’re more the listening type: Dr. Johnson was recently interviewed on The Knowledge Project Podcast. During this wide ranging 2-hour conversation, she spoke with the host about her theories generally and how they can be applied to relationships of all types, not just for married couples.