The Enthusiasm Gap

“How do I convince my husband?”

It’s one of the most common questions we hear from hopeful foster parents. It’s not always gendered. Wife, partner, husband, spouse—insert your descriptor of choice, we will use them interchangeably. In almost every couple, interest in foster care is asymmetrical. One spouse is more excited than the other. Sometimes we call it ‘the enthusiasm gap’. 

Often the more enthusiastic partner feels a sense of calling. They believe that foster parenting is an essential part of their life’s purpose, a mission for which they are preparing, a reason they endure hardship. It can be sparked or fueled by film and fiction. Instant Family, Parenthood, and This Is Us are popular examples. Other times it comes from observing someone else navigate the world of foster care. Sometimes this sense is religious or spiritual in nature, emanating from a deeply held belief in the nature of both human virtue and the divine. Whatever the origin, a calling is a precious thing, and when not shared equally amongst partners, tension is inevitable and can feel quite personal.

The initial spark of inspiration to become a foster parent likely kicked off a cascade of Googling. Social media, books, and podcasts have fanned the first embers of interest into a fiery passion. The less enthusiastic partner generally was not along for that ride. They heard the same sermon or watched the same film, but it did not resonate in their soul quite the same. They have not been Googling obsessively. They have not followed Jamie Finn on Instagram. They seemed disinterested when you shared a post or podcast episode with them. Now you—the more enthusiastic member of the parenting team—are ready to go. It’s January, the appointed time for starting new things. You want to take the plunge, attend a foster parenting class, get licensed, and start your foster parenting career. But your spouse is holding back or maybe even trying to discourage you. How can you get them on board? 

Every marriage is different and relationship advice is almost never universal, but there are some general principles we suggest that couples adopt and operate by as they are navigating this specific issue.

Move at the speed of the least enthusiastic partner.

If you have been on a journey of learning and discovery about foster care, reading and listening to everything on the topic that you can get your hands on, but your partner has not (yet) joined you. First: let them catch up. 

Start by putting into words what you sense is going on and making a specific request for engagement. 

I have been thinking a lot about foster care and I would like to share that with you. Could I send you something to read so we can talk about it?

This show/film/message/talk inspired me. I want to hear what you think of it.

Important: Do not ask or expect that your wife will come to any specific conclusion or that your partner will be moved in exactly the way you were. In fact, it is likely they will be affected differently. You are different people, and that difference makes your marriage interesting. Enjoy it. Celebrate it. Explore it, together. This part—the planning, the deliberation, the long, friction-filled discussion of purpose and meaning—tends to not be in the movie, but it is no less part of foster parenting than court dates, therapy appointments, or bedtime tantrums. Quite simply: this is part of it. And if you can appreciate the differences that make your partnership rich, it can be a part that you relish rather than race through.

Ray here: This is the advice I wish I had heard (and followed) when my wife Keely and I were getting licensed as foster parents. I was the more enthusiastic spouse driven in part because I believed that I needed to be a foster parent myself in order for Skookum to be taken seriously. Keely had real concerns. She was seeing things—in our relationship, in our circumstances at the time—that I either discounted or overlooked, namely that I was working two jobs and she, the less enthusiastic spouse, would be the primary parent. Because she saw how important it was to me, she went along. Ultimately, we faced struggles that would have been much easier to manage had we moved a little slower. We had a great experience fostering a pair of adolescent boys—one for a couple weeks and another for more than two years. I am proud of the service we were able to provide. And yet, I suspect it would have been easier on us and/or we might have been able to do more, had I been more attentive to Keely’s concerns.

If you get a hard no: Stop pushing.

Foster care requires healthy families and healthy families have clear communication and boundaries. If, by exploring the idea together, you learn that one partner wants to foster and the other does not: you’re done. Congratulations! You have learned something about the nature of your partnership, and you can move forward together in light of that learning. What you cannot do is become a foster parent. And that’s okay, there are lots of other ways to participate in foster care without bringing new children into your home. At Skookum, we have lots of them. You could volunteer at The Landing, our emergency shelter for children entering foster care for the first time. You could mentor a child placed in another foster home. You could host a party at your house and raise money in support of kids & families. You could rally a group to volunteer at our monthly Family Night Out events. You could come be part of Camp Skookum. Each of these opportunities is a valuable way to participate in the Skookum community, and many find them deeply rewarding. We like to say that Skookum Kids is a way for anyone to participate in foster care. If becoming a foster family does not suit your family, let’s find something else that does.

Pushing past boundaries creates resentment. If you do that, you may succeed in getting licensed but it is unlikely that you will have a foster parenting career that is either sweet or successful. A foster family built on an uncertain agreement between spouses is likely to create uncertainty and instability for the children placed there. The last thing you want to do is join the ‘parade of faces.’ Do not become one more adult who entered and quickly exited a vulnerable child’s life. 

Work to articulate & understand the concerns.

If you and your husband are discussing foster care, and you remain somewhere on this side of a hard no, there is work for each of you to do. If you go about it correctly, the process can clarify your calling, and strengthen your partnership. We describe the work like this.

The enthusiastic spouse needs to listen deeply and fully understand their partner’s concerns.

The less-enthusiastic spouse needs to understand themselves deeply enough to authentically share their concerns.

Notice: both spouses are focused on the concerns. It is not a successful recipe for one partner to imagine only their best hopes about foster parenting, how it will help a child and be personally rewarding, while the other partner imagines the hardest bits like lost sleep and constant uncertainty. Being on the same page involves getting clear and specific about what the concerns actually are, testing whether they are legitimate or overblown, and deciding together if they can be managed. 

For the enthusiastic partner, your objective is accurate empathy. Seek to see the world through your partner’s eyes and understand their point of view. The best way to achieve this is by listening—deeply—and then reflecting what you hear back to your spouse. This reflection will sometimes feel like a summary statement. At other times it will feel like parroting their words back to them. Periodically you may find yourself noticing and pointing out some discrepancy between the words they are using and the way they are using them. Be curious about all of it, and invite your partner to improve your understanding. The goal here is to get the most complete and accurate understanding of your spouse’s inner life regarding this topic—thoughts, emotions, beliefs, all of it. Listening and reflecting back what you hear does not require you to take on those views, but it does require that you hear and understand them. 

For the less-enthusiastic spouse, your objective is to make your thoughts and feelings known. One of the best devices for this is called an “I” message. An I message is exactly what it sounds like: a declarative sentence that starts with I and contains information about your point of view, especially your emotions.

I feel

I think

I want

I need

I doubt

I fear

I hope

I question

I am

I-messages invite the listener into your perspective without accusing, judging, or coercing. They share a personal experience and invite intimacy. 

More rational readers may struggle most with the feelings aspect of an I-message, believing thoughts and ideas to hold a more legitimate position relative to feelings. As a test, if you are asked what you feel and respond instinctively with what you think or believe, odds are quite good that you are less aware of your feelings than you could be, perhaps because you do not believe those feelings to be as useful or trustworthy as your ideas. There is some truth to that. Beliefs or thoughts certainly contribute to an individual’s emotional life in a role similar to the one groundwater plays in a hydrologic system. Yet it is also true that some ideas/beliefs—often the most precious—exist below the level of our awareness just beyond our ability to put them into words. Sometimes this is called Tacit Knowledge. Blaise Pascal described it with the sentence, “we know more than we can say.” In other words, your feelings are often the earliest indicators of a belief or an idea which you have not yet been able to articulate. If you were to refrain from sharing your feelings—particularly about foster parenting, a subject which your partner is very enthusiastic to explore with you—this would leave a big gap in your spouse’s understanding of you. Instead, share what you have when you have it—whether thoughts, feelings, ideas, concerns, impressions, or whatever messy else. Doing so will invite connection and collaboration.

Bonus tip: Who is the barista?

A lot of marriage conflicts are made worse by unspoken disagreements about roles. Imagine stopping at a drive-through for coffee. You roll down your window to make your order, but instead the intercom voice asks: “Can I have Saturday off?” You are confused. The coffee stand work schedule is not your responsibility. You are a customer, not the manager. You came here to make a request, not hear them. This is often how conflict works in marriage. One spouse arrives with a request but no sooner (and sometimes before) they get it out into words, the request is superimposed by another made by their partner. If you request that your partner get on board with you calling to be a foster parent, a hesitant spouse can feel like a barista asking you, the customer, for time off. It’s confusing and frustrating and can be tempting to simply repeat your (very reasonable) request at a higher volume. Doing so is likely to produce a vortex of requests, competing and unaddressed. To break the cycle, somebody needs to put on an apron and play barista. Set your own request aside for a moment, hear your partner and respond to their concern with love and generosity. Having done so, ask to switch roles.  

Explore concerns systematically & together.

Once the concerns are put into words via I-message, you can both explore them together. Some of them, you are bound to share. You are partners after all. The two of you have many interests in common. Maybe the less enthusiastic spouse is seeing into a blindspot. Maybe the more enthusiastic partner has encountered a tool or technique that would solve one or more issues outright. Ah-ha moments of this type are only possible after the issues have been articulated. A problem well stated is half solved, after all.

There are a lot of ways to explore foster care, even some ways to get a taste for what it might be like before making a commitment to a specific child.

Ask—I hope you know by now that you can count on Skookum Kids to give you a straight answer. We are not in the business ‘selling’ foster care or talking people into doing things which make them uncomfortable. In addition to our highly capable staff, who are always willing to give you the full story over coffee, this is a community of people doing foster care together. That means we can also connect you with veteran foster parents or volunteers who have wrestled with the same issues that you are. Some of them chose to become foster parents. Others found a different way to live out their calling. 

Volunteer at Family Night Out—One of the best ways to learn about foster parenting is to play one for an evening. Once a month we host an event in which foster families are invited to bring their children to Abundant Life Church. Skookum plans some activities and a snack, and a group of volunteers keep the kids occupied for a few hours while their foster parents enjoy a date (or a nap in the car, depending on how the month has been.) We’re always looking for volunteers to join us for this evening. If you’re interested in a ‘try before you buy’ experience, start here.

Volunteer at The Landing—For something a little more involved, consider joining us as a volunteer at The Landing, our emergency shelter for children entering foster care. This place has been in continuous operation for almost 10 years, and plays a crucial role in our community’s foster care system. It only functions thanks to the generosity and skill of volunteers, all of whom start out as novices just like you! We’ll pair you with a veteran, so you are sure to learn fast. With just a few hours each month, you will learn more about foster care than any book, meeting, or conversation ever could. 

Be clear-eyed about the challenges & benefits.

One final word to the more enthusiastic spouse: see things for what they really are. 

Foster care is not a panacea. There are real challenges and hardships. Sometimes we joke that if foster parenting does not break your heart, you probably are not doing it right. Foster parenting doesn’t always have a happily-ever-after ending. With trauma and brokenness in the picture, success looks different for each of the kids and families we get to walk alongside and we aren’t always privy to the end of the story. Your partner is smart to be concerned, and the two of you will have a much better foster parenting experience if you’re clear-eyed about the ways it will be hard and the ways it can be rewarding.