How to Develop Birth Family Connections: For Foster Parents
By Jessica, Licensed Foster Mom and Skookum Kids’ Director of Development
I’ve been a foster parent since 2017. Before that, I worked at Lighthouse Mission Ministries and worked with several moms who had been or were involved with the child welfare system. I’m so grateful for that experience with birth mothers, because it has given me more empathy and understanding for what they go through. It was a privilege to work with parents and see the love they had for their children and how they would do anything necessary to get their kids back in their care.
I’ve carried this empathy with me as a foster parent, doing my best to think the best of the birth parents of my foster children. They are unique, whole people and are so much more than they come across on paper (those docs are usually full of only negative things). Birth parents had a whole life before foster care interrupted it. Watch this story to hear about one bio family’s perspective.
Foster children themselves tell us (as well as research) how important it is for them to know who they come from. And the separation from family because of foster care is extremely painful for them. Anything we can do to comfort them and provide more connection should happen.
These are suggestions, and not all will be possible in every situation. My hope is that they will give you some ideas to foster great connections with the birth families you interact with.
First Meeting With Bio Parent(s)
Meet your foster child’s bio parents as early on as you can. Often the easiest way to do this is at one of the first visits. I believe that bio parents should have the right to know who is caring for their child (especially since they don’t usually get to choose who it will be). Introduce yourself, share a little about your family and why you decided to become a foster parent, and reassure them that you are just there to help until kiddo can go back home. Give them the opportunity to ask you any questions they may have.
I got to meet the birth parent of one of my foster children about a month after they were placed with me. I came at the beginning of a visit and just stayed for 5-10 minutes (wanted to respect their one-on-one visit time). I shared a little bit about who I am. I told them that I am here as a foster parent just to help take care of their kiddo while they can’t, and that I will do the best job I can.
Family Photos
Acquire at least one photo of your foster child and their birth family early on and hang it up somewhere so the child can look at it anytime they want. You could offer to take photos of the child with their parents at a visit, or ask if the social worker or visit supervisor could do so. Get them printed and give a copy to the bio parents.
It can be extra meaningful for both kids and their parents to have a physical photograph to hold onto during this time of upheaval. Ask the parent if they have access to family photos that they’d like the child to have. Baby pics are the best! (You can also search social media sites for these.) Frame at least one photo of the kiddo and their birth parents and display it in your house (perhaps with other family photos, or in the child’s room, wherever they prefer) so that the kiddo can look at a happy photo of them any time they want. If you have more photos available, create a photo album that’s always accessible to the child.
For one foster child, I was able to find some baby photos online. I printed those out and put them with more current photos in a photo album in chronological order. For a younger child (and I bet older kids would love it too), this was a useful way to tell him his life story and explain the situation he was in.
One of the kids I cared for only had one photo of his biological family and it was just of his sister and his mom (he wasn’t even in the photo!) He treasured that photo. After realizing that, I made it my mission to make sure I took photos of each kid I care for with their parents and have it available for them to look at whenever they want.
Note: if you’re displaying a few photos together, and just one is of the child’s birth family - aim for the photos to have a similar energy or feeling to them. In my house I tend to pick photos where everyone is laughing or smiling and are more on the informal side, rather than professional photos.
Visits
If you can do extra visits or phone calls outside of what the court mandates, that will be so appreciated. Sometimes bio parents will ask for them. Try to say yes as much as possible to this. I found that it was a good way to get to know each other a little bit more, as questions would sometimes come up easier at these times. These kinds of visits may also be reciprocated after the child returns home. I’m always of the mindset that it would be great to continue our relationship for the kiddo.
Invite birth parents to doctor’s appointments, birthdays, and any events that you can. Parents can miss out on some big moments because of foster care. Let’s help them feel as included as possible.
Extended Family
Be open to connecting with your foster child’s extended family. This might mean video calls, making a trip to meet them, or inviting them to a party, park hang out, or over for dinner. Any of these will be so meaningful for the kiddo.
If family members would like, send them an update once a month or so on how your foster child is doing (with a photo of course).
Our child’s social worker once asked us for a few photos of our foster child to share with extended family members who couldn’t be a placement but who wanted to stay updated on the kiddo. I happily supplied those. Later, I saw a profile on Facebook that featured one of the photos. I reached out to that person and it turned out to be my foster child’s grandfather. We quickly scheduled a video call to talk after hearing that he hadn’t yet met this grandchild! I facilitated the video call and they got to see each other for the first time! The grandfather teared up, and we had a special time where he shared some family history with us.
Be An Encourager
There are times to have boundaries and there are times to simply show love to the bio parents of the kids in your life. (If boundaries are needed you can work those out with your Skookum Foster Care Specialist and/or your child’s social worker.)
Being involved in the child welfare system is really hard for everyone involved, and especially so for birth parents. My sense is that many birth parents who are involved in the child welfare system may not have many people cheering for them. Foster parents can be one of the people who are for them and on their team. Find ways you can encourage the parents you’re connected with during this difficult time.
When our foster child’s mom made the strong step of entering a treatment center, I sent her a care package with an encouraging note.
I tend to reach out around holidays, because I know those are extra tough times to be apart from family (Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day are big ones usually). I will send a card, something that their child made at school, or a small gift. It usually worked out to send it along to a visit or I could ask the social worker to deliver.
Even taking a minute to send an encouraging text message or a photo or quick update about their child can go a long way!
Stay Positive
Hopefully this goes without saying: Always speak positively about a child’s birth parents. It helps me to mentally separate the behavior from the person. People are not their mistakes. Kids need to hear regularly that their birth parents love them - always, no matter what. And they also need to hear the truth (in an age-appropriate way of course).
With my foster children, I bring up their birth parents and say how much they care and love them on about a weekly basis. And I explain the reason for being in foster care. For a younger child, it would sound something like this: “Your parents miss you and love you so much. They are sick right now, and the judge decided it wasn’t safe for you to live with them right now.”
Special Occasions
For special occasions, like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, and Christmas, offer an extra visit or a phone or video call near or on these days if you can. Find out if there are other holidays that are really important to the family. You could send a card to the visit that happens right before the occasion (or give it to the social worker to pass on). Even better, help your foster child make a card, art, or gift to give to their parent(s). If the child is in school or daycare, give their teacher a heads up that they will need to make two of whatever take-home projects they are doing for a holiday since they have two families in their life right now.
When it’s possible, invite bio families to participate in foster children’s birthday parties. You could host the party at a neutral location, like a park or indoor play space, or at your own house. Ask the parent what they’d like to contribute, like cake, decorations, food. You may need to share your foster child’s clothing and sizes. And let them know they can invite other family members. It’s so special for kids to see their bio family and foster parents interacting in a positive way (again, it’s not always possible, but it’s ideal). We can show kids that there is always more room for love and for our families to expand.
I invited my foster child’s bio mom to each of the birthday parties we hosted for him - the first one was at a park. Two of her sisters (foster child’s aunties) also ended up coming. I later found the aunt on Facebook and she came over for dinner. We shared about our intentions in fostering and how we came to do it. She shared what the word for “thank you” was in their family’s native language. I remember seeing how comfortable our foster child was with this aunt, even though in the last year or so they had only seen each other once before spending that evening together. I think it was also special for this to happen in our home. The child’s two worlds colliding.
Any work you can do as a foster parent to cultivate positive connections with a child’s birth family will have so many benefits. Their family of origin is such a huge part of their identity. It will reassure them to know that their parents and family love them and that they get to see them regularly in the midst of foster care.